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Sex is obviously so much better than no sex. You get an earth shattering orgasm. You get to feel close to someone. You get to explore a new body. You get to wake up feeling fresh, confident and sexy. It may not be forever, but right now choosing to spend the night together is the obvious choice. Why is she going in for the goodnight kiss? Why is she winking at me, walking away and telling me to call her? Why is it that so many women don’t want to fuck on the first date?

This scenario is overall more true for men, and less true for women who have sex with men. Physiologically it’s easier for men to orgasm in casual sex than women. For women to have an orgasm we often need solid communication with our partner, one which may take a few dates to develop. Remember pleasure often looks different for each woman, so we have to feel comfortable enough with this new person to explain what feels good for us, or accept not having a particularly good time. Of course, communication is key for men as well, but it is particularly paramount for women in these early hookups.

Part of the reason I like to wait to hook up is because I am assessing if this new human will actually be able to make me experience pleasure. Afterall, I don’t want to give that sexual part of myself away for no positive return. Sometimes waiting for that second or third date allows me to assess how smart and knowledgeable you are. If you are able to listen to me and recall something I told you throughout our first meeting during our second meeting, it’s a sign that you may be a good potential partner, and therefore makes you more fuckable.

In the first couple meetings I’m also assessing if this is someone I would want to hook up with more than once, and not someone who will disappear on me after one time. As I mentioned it may take till the second or third hookup for me to be able to really relax and experience pleasure, so when I’m assessing if I want to hookup with someone once, I’m also assessing if I would want to hookup with this person a number of times. Overall, this may be different with men, where research shows they are more likely to orgasm in a first encounter and rate the experience as pleasurable.

There is also a level of risk in each hookup, so I want to choose someone who seems safe and sensible, which often takes a couple dates to assess. If someone is dishonest, it is more likely that they would lie about their STI or relationship status or randomly ghost. Unfortunately, risk of sexual violence is a reality for females. Based on our previous experience, or the fucked up world in general, it may take women a little longer to want to invite a stranger into their home, trusting that this new partner will have equal respect for me where consent is concerned.

There is also still a gendered stigma around casual sex which can make men and women feel differently afterwards. This likely intersects with race and sexual orientation in a way that is hard to explore completely in just a brief paragraph; however studies reveal that women are more likely to feel lonely, rejected, regretful and concerned about how they will be perceived by others after a casual one night sex encounter. On the other hand, men were more likely to feel satisfied, confident and happy. There is no data regarding why the results are this way, but I would assert some of it has to do with stigma regarding female promiscuity and some women’s want for emotional connection to enjoy a physical connection .

The fact that women put something inside themselves, rather than putting a part of themselves inside someone else alters the dynamic of sex. No, I don’t fall in love every time I put a cock inside me, but any man who has tried butt stuff with a partner would understand that there is something sexy but also vulnerable about letting a person inside you.

Would you let someone inside your butt on the first date? Just like the variety within women, I’m sure some of men are like “fuck yeah”, and others are like “naw that’s more of a third or forth date thing”.

I am the type of woman who requires an emotional connection for sex, which is why I often accidentally fuck my friends and don’t often fuck people I don’t know. However, I have female friends who are able to meet a sexy stranger and enjoy sex with them the very same night. There is nothing wrong with either of these ways, it is just as important to understand why there may be a large variety within women. I think homosexual relationships are easier in this way, because both partners understand the sexual and emotional implications of being the gender that they are, it’s more complicated in heterosexual relationships because there are some fundamental differences.

So you may be asking yourself as a man, what can I do to get my favourite girl into bed with me? Well, start by working on what excites her and makes her want you more. If the vibe is right engage in fun sexual conversations about what you want to do, without pressuring her. Maybe try not to put the moves on at all and sit back and wait until she can’t resist jumping you. Many women are very used to pushy and somewhat aggressive men. Instead turn us on with your words but don’t be too sexually aggressive on the first couple dates.

Be clear to her about what you are looking for. A lot of us are totally down for casual sex once we get to know you a bit, some are looking for something a little deeper and more connected. If you take the time to get to know her, and talk about what you want clearly and honestly beforehand, the tension will grow naturally, and then both women and men can leave the encounter mutually sexually satisfied.